Waiting Still
by RuthanneReid
Summary: Spoiler warning: This fic takes place AFTER the last episode of anime. Utena left friends behind when she moved to Ohtori academy; what if one of them came to look for her?
1. Part one: Prologue

_(notes: I've used Japanese in this, as well as a character who's unfamiliar because he was only in the manga. If you want to read the scanned, translated manga pages with him in it, visit - you'll also find a list of the Japanese used with definitions. Thanks!  
-Trin)_

_** Shoujo Kakumei Utena Waiting Still: Part One **_

It's been a year and six months since I've seen you last, and as far as I can see, statistically, you should have contacted me by now - or else, also statistically, you never will.

It's a funny thing to be looking at these stats and knowing that they apply to my life. I mean, I've looked up other statistics that'll someday apply to me, like what age I'll first have sex and how much money I might make with my education and intelligence. But this... this is the first time that a statistic seemed... scary.

I'll admit I wasn't worried until the police showed up. Until they came to my door, telling me that you'd just... gone missing and that nobody knew where you were. Your aunt thought they should come and ask me, because I knew you. Because we're friends; best friends. And because if anybody had heard from you, surely I would have.

I had nothing to give them. I had nothing to say... except that it was my fault you went to that campus in the first place.

Of course, they didn't believe me. You took all the postcards with you; you took the ring. I had no evidence, nothing to go on at all except for my notes and research in the library, and they only took THAT because I insisted and started shouting a little when they didn't want it.

And well, Utena, you know me; once they'd gone, I went upstairs, got my old short wave radio out, and tore the thing apart until I managed to work it to get the police band. And you know what I found out?

They went to Ohtori. 

They got records.

And Ohtori said they'd never even heard of you. That you hadn't arrived. That something bad must have happened to you en route, because there was no record of you in THEIR database system.

...Utena. Someone's lying.

I went back, checked all my old traceroutes and hacker pathways, and whereas before I'd had all your information, dorm room, etc... guess what? It was all gone. Someone had ERASED those files - maybe like they erased you.

The police made it an official missing person report and asked questions around the countryside and the train line you took. Your aunt cried; she's never cried before, and that guy-of-hers-who's-not-the-prince held her a lot. I think they're getting married.

And I waited, Utena. I did; I waited a month, two months, until our joint birthday passed and there was still no sign of you, and then the police just put it in the probably-dead file instead of the missing-person, and your aunt held a wake, and I've had enough.

Someone lied. Someone took you - hurt you, hid you. And I'm not going to just let them get away with that.

It took me a good five hours to reschedule everything, transfer my records, and erase every sign that I'd hacked into the place to begin with; but it was well worth the time. They really do have a pitiful computer system. If I thought it wouldn't get me expelled, I'd offer to do them an upgrade for a minimal charge.

I've bought my new uniform - secondhand, of course - packed my things, and informed my parents. I've picked up the textbooks I'll need, and found all the spy equipment I could get my hands on - that is, the kind of stuff I can use to make spy equipment, which equates to the same thing. I've also installed a wireless system in my laptop, in case the campus network is monitored.

I've done everything I can do to prepare; and now, I'm coming after you.

I don't know where you are, Utena, but I do know where you've been. And maybe the police CAN statistically do a better job than any lone gunman usually could, but I also know that I can get info that they never would for one important reason: 

They were outsiders. I'll be part of the student body. There is no better "in" than that.

Ohtori Academy, here I come.


	2. Part Two

_(notes: I've used Japanese in this, as well as a character who's unfamiliar because he was only in the manga. If you want to read the scanned, translated manga pages with him in it, visit - you'll also find a list of the Japanese used with definitions. Thanks!  
-Trin)_

_** Shoujo Kakumei Utena Waiting Still: Part Two**_

This day isn't starting out too badly. In spite of threat of intrigue, in spite of the fact that I'm more of a spy than a student, I have to admit that so far this is a really pleasant mission to be on. 

The weather's gorgeous; just warm enough that I appreciate being inside an air conditioned train for the journey, and by the time I reach Ohtori I'm feeling very optimistic about my plans. I eat my lunch in the train station, going over my notes and making sure all my papers are in order; then, I go to the school.

...wow. This place is _huge. _

I had no idea Ohtori was really a zaibatsu. I mean, I knew it was large; I'd seen the blueprints before, and I had the map in my knapsack, but those things failed to prepare me for the real magnitude of this place. I've never SEEN anything like it; marble everywhere, bridges, fountains, humongous sports fields and an observatory I'd give my front teeth to use. Not to mention the music halls, the empty fields with only fruit trees and thoughts for company, the swimming pools - and the Ohtori rose seal branding absolutely everything.

Since it IS a zaibatsu, it has pretty much anything that anyone could ever need; there are movie theatres and hospitals and general stores. As focused as I am on my Mission, I have to admit... this place looks utterly great. I'm wearing a smile as I follow my map to the registrar's office to sign in and get my assignments.

The problem is, I can't find it.

The registrar's office is not where it's supposed to be. I know I'm where I should be; I have the map with me, printed off my own computer and highlighted for clarity. I'm standing across from the gymnasium and practically underneath the observatory, just where the map says, but there's no registrar to be seen; just a great big ugly fountain. Ooookay; so maybe their database map was a little outdated.

That happens. Nothing to be upset about.

I figure someone in the teacher's offices could tell me where the registrar was, so I head down that way, following directions; only to find a building where there should be a road. Correction: the blank brick wall of a building, no doors. Not even a window. No signs on it, either, so I have no idea just WHAT this buliding is. 

Well, that's no good. I'm running out of choices now, so I decide the administration offices are next best bet.

I look. 

And I look. 

And I look and I look some more, and after forty-five minutes of wandering around aimlessly I finally decide that my map is full of horse hooky and this is a grand cosmic joke. What in the world is the MATTER here? Who drew this thing, an expelled student? Almost NOTHING is where it's supposed to be, and although I hate admitting it, I'm going to have to ask for help.

Okay, fine. There are lots of students everywhere, talking, laughing, ignoring me (nothing new there), on their way to or from class. Help, help, help - ah. SHE looks nice enough to help me without giving me one of those "you SO suck" expressions. 

She's coming this way. It's now or never.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but could - " 

And she walks right past my like she never even heard me speak.

Okay, that was a little cold. I stick my tongue out at her back, then look for someone ELSE who looks nice. I think I'll ask that kid. "Pardon me, I'm sorry to bother you, but - " 

Argh. He walks past me too, almost running me over in the process.

Geez... what is going ON here? All these "perfect" students, streaming past me, and not one of them is polite enough to offer me some help? RIDICULOUS. No one's even looking in my direction! Their gaze just... passes right over, like they're seeing through to the walkway behind me, like I'm invisible. I'm NOT invisible; and I'm not rude, either, although I'm beginning to get close.

Yeah, right. 

Now that I'm feeling really uncomfortable and even less popular than usual, I finally zero in on one kid sitting by the ugly rose fountain, reading a book and not walking anywhere. Well, see if _this_ one gets away so easily.

"Excuse me," I say, walking toward him.

Nothing.

Oh, come ON... "Excuse me."

Still nothing. He turns the page; and well, it's been a really long day for me, and I'm not in the mood for this, so I do what anybody in my position would do. I reach over and touch his shoulder. 

"Hey."

The kid jumps. He gasps. He looks back and forth, then up at me, and his eyes go wide. He gapes like I am THE freakiest thing he's ever seen, and then before I can ask him what the heck is wrong, he suddenly throws his book in the air and screams bloody murder.

"Gaah!" he cries, and stumbles backwards, his book - _Black Beauty_, my shocked brain observes - splashing into the fountain, and of course I'm go "gah!" and stumble back as well. And because I'm going backwards and he's going backwards, neither of us is looking where we're going and I run smack into a girl.

"EEEEEEE!" she screams, staring at me, ALSO stumbles backwards, and flings her bookbag right at my head. I duck, but it turns out I needn't have bothered; it goes flying past me - she doesn't have very good aim - and smacks straight on into another student. 

Naturally, he's surprised. "What do you think you're DOING?" he shouts, snatching up her pack, and marches straight for her - and plows right into me instead, like he couldn't see me standing there. Suddenly, he's screaming, just as loudly as she was, and both his bookbag and hers fall to the ground as he just turns and runs like hell.

Okay, I lied. He didn't JUST run.

"GHOOOOST!" he bellows at the top of his lungs, and suddenly everyone in the entire place is staring right at me.

Screams erupt. Bags fall, feet scurry, lunchboxes go flying through the air - it's a stampede. 

This could not _possibly_ get worse. Everyone's hollering, everybody's panicking... and then suddenly, some random person grabs my arm and hauls me up to look him RIGHT in the face. 

"Who the hell are you?" he frowns, and I have just long enough to think that he has more red hair than I've ever seen in one place in my life, when some panicking student with better aim than the first one screams, "KIYRUU-SAMAAA!" Apparently thinking that the ghost is going to hurt her Kiyruu-sama, she hurls a hard-back textbook right at my head.

This one connects. Everything goes quickly, mercifully black.

* * *

When I wake up, I have no idea where I am.

I'm lying on something that reminds me of a doctor's office; it's hard, with just enough padding on it to make me wish it was softer, and there's a bright light shining right in my face.

I make a noise and reach up to push it away.

"He's moving."

Yeah, go me, I'm moving; it doens't seem to be doing any good. I feel like I'm trying to swim to the surface in a well of molasses. After a moment or two, I give it up and go still.

"...I don't think he's really awake," says somebody else, and another person - maybe the first, who knows - grunts in agreement. Then there's quiet for a minute. I have time to reflect that this is maybe the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and I'm just deciding whether to "wake up" or stay out of it when they start talking again. 

"So who do you think he is?"

"Kisho Kaido," somebody reads in a soft voice, maybe a girl's, and I am NOT happy. They have my wallet; which means they searched my bag. What else did they do while I've been snoozing?

At least I didn't wake up naked.

"And?" says the first guy. 

"And somehow, he's here," says someone else, and this one sounds familiar. I think he's the one who asked me who the hell I was before I conked out.

"Impossible. He can't be here," states another girl, which statement makes little sense considering she's speaking right over me.

"You're an idiot," one of the others replies, and I stifle an urge to laugh because I'm inclined to agree. 

"But what do we do with him?" says the one I thought was maybe a girl - although now I'm not so sure. "There's no way he could have gotten in here, and yet he's HERE - he can't possibly know what he's..."

What I've what? WHAT? That's annoying enough that I'm tempted to 'wake up' and ask him, but I don't get the chance to. There are footsteps outside the door, and then things just... change.

...someone is coming.

A feeling like... _something_, like warm oil, like scented honey and tingling fire suddenly races over my skin, and I know I'm not the only one who feels it because everybody gasps when I do. We're all completely still; I don't think anyone is breathing, or wants to, because anything might break the spell and none of us want to lose this feeling. 

And then comes a Voice.

"I see. So here is the problem." And the Voice speaks like magic in my body, in my mind - and I don't even remember I'm supposed to be unconscious, and let myself shiver.

"Interesting," says the Voice. No one asks him what he thinks is interesting - in fact, nobody moves at all - but he answers anyway. "I do not know this boy." 

Is that bad? Or good? I can't make up my mind. Fear is creeping in now, little by little, because I have no idea why I suddenly feel so good or why my body is...um...

....oh, SHIT.

"He came on his own," says the Voice, maybe a little surprised - it pleases me, and scares me, that I should cause surprise in that voice - and his hand sort of moves over my face, then checks the pulse in the curve of my throat. I shiver again; his hand is warm. I think my face turned toward his touch.

"He's awake," says the Voice, mildly, and one of the others curses; but He's not upset. He's not upset at all. "What an interesting possibility...."

* * *

And suddenly, I'm on the train to Ohtori academy, because I haven't arrived yet, and I was asleep. 

...wait a minute, I WAS?

I jump up suddenly, dropping my notebook and copy of the campus map onto the floor, startling the old lady across from me. 

"Whaaaat...?" I say softly to myself, looking around wildly, and she hunches a little like she thinks I'm going to attack her. I should apologize; or something. I can't. 

Rude? Me? Try going into shock.

I look out the window. Land flies by, in-between land as I always thought of it, not quite city, not quite country, and it's exactly as it was in my dream. Exactly the way it was when I arrived at Ohtori - in my dream this morning. Or... my dream's morning. Or...

...oh my word, I'm so confused.

I sit back down again, just... plopping into my seat and staring at my hands. This can't be right. I KNOW I was there. KNOW it. I dream; and I've dreamed weird dreams, but I know how I dream, and this wasn't a dream. But it has to be a dream. It's only eight a.m. according to my wristwatch, only eight; and this... this madness had to have happend after noon, because I ate my lunch in the train station at noon before going up to see the campus for the first time.

My lunch - 

I fling myself to the floor - grinding my knee into my notebook as I do - and grab under the seat, pulling out my tiny knapsack because I KNOW I ate my lunch and it's -

It's - 

...still there. The banana, the oniigiri, the yakosoba... it's all still there. My apple juice is even still cold. 

I sit there, staring at it, while the old lady sits in HER seat and stares at me like I'm crazy. She's probably thinking of moving to another car; maybe she could. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm crazy.

My food's all here. I dreamed it.

But I can actually _feel_ where the Voice touched my throat. I didn't dream it.

It's only eight a.m. I must have dreamed it.

But I smelled that place and saw everything in color, which I don't when I dream, so it was real.

But - 

....there's a ring on my finger.

The moving train, the old woman next to me, the binder rings digging into my knee... all these things just suddenly go pale to me and no longer matter at all as my mind's spotlight focuses on this damned ring. Utena... Utena, I wish you were here, because I'm sure you'd get a real kick out of this, or at least know how nuts this makes me. There's a ring on my finger, and it's exactly like yours.

I sort of laugh like a weirdo and yank it off. Yes; yes, it comes off, doesn't just stick on like my panicked brain thought it might, because it's just a ring. nothing more. I calm down enough to put it back on and sit back in my seat.

The old lady watches me cautiously as I do. Any second now, I expect her to ask me if I'm on drugs. 

We stare at each other; I try to grin at her and rub my neck where the Voice touched me. "Sorry. I had a bad dream."

She just nods. If I'd grown a second head, she'd be looking at me the exact same way.

"I'll, um, not bother you any more," I tell her, and hide behind my campus map. My possibly-useless campus map. My possibly-useless, outdated, dream-ruined campus map. She doesn't say another word, and neither do I.

Before we get to the train station, I come to the realization that if I wanted to leave, I could. Just turn around and go back home, attend the school my mother wanted me to, put this all behind me. But by the time we arrive, I know just as well that I can't because quitting isn't an option. It's not an option at all.

...I think I'm gonna be sick.

* * *

Ohtori campus is exactly the way it was in my dream, except that the buildings are where they're supposed to be and everyone can see me.

The fountains are still just as ugly. The marble is just as prevalent, and I feel a whole lot sicker than I did the first time, but at least people can _see_ me. And the buildings are where they should be. I said that, didn't I?

Of course, this is proof that I dreamed it. Right? Buildings don't move, regardless of conspiracies. Right? And I know better than to believe in dreams. I really do. 

Right.

The sign-in and class assignment go without a hitch. Nobody gives me any hassle or weird looks, my schedule looks perfectly normal, and I'm staying in the Blue Rose dorm. Orientation for new students just flies by; I have no idea what anyone said, so I hope it wasn't important. I follow my not-dream-ruined campus map to my dorm, and it's pretty much a given that I'm not going to leave my room for the rest of the night, or at least until I no longer feel my pulse in my fingertips.

My room is on the third floor. Good for burglars, bad for emergencies - I can't jump out from that high, and even thinking about mad escapes like that says to me that I'm still shaken. I walk down the balcony, staying away from the balustrade even though I'm sure it's perfectly stable, and follow the room numbers until I come to my own. 

Another name is under mine; Kaoru Miki. Roommate. Great. Just when I couldn't possibly feel LESS sociable - 

He suddenly opens the door, on his way out, and looks more surprised than I am to see me.

"Oh! I... hello, I'm Miki," he says, and holds out his hand, his eyes still a little bit wide. Well; why not. I take his hand and shake.

"Kisho Kaido. Just call me Kaido," I say, aware I'm blowing formalities but not capable of caring less. "I'm really, really tired, and I know this is rude, but I want to just unpack my stuff and go to bed. Is that okay?"

He immediately swings into action. I think I pressed a button.

"Oh, let me help you! Here, I hadn't chosen a bed yet, but they're both made so you can pick whichever you want - is that your suitcase? Here, let me take that for you, and would you like some tea?"

I'm not up to making decisions. At all. I just sort of walk over and flop onto the bottom bunk, face-first.

"Oh, Kisho-kun... are you all right?" Suddenly he's caretaker, not happy host, and dropping my things by the desk he stands by the bed, bending down.

"Yeah," I mutter into the pillow. "I'm sorry, Kaoru-sempai. I... really need to sleep." And a good cry, I think, but I don't say that and I'm damn well not going to give in to that urge.

He's nodding; I can hear the material of his collar crinkling. "Then sleep. We can meet each other again tomorrow." And before I can protest, he's pulled the blanket at the foot of the bed up over my body, and walked away.

The light flicks out. He was leaving anyway, so he does that now; the door locks behind him.

Silence. I'm falling asleep.

....

....

....

My shoes. I forgot to take off my shoes. 

Worse things have happened.


	3. Part Three

_(notes: I've used Japanese in this, as well as a character who's unfamiliar because he was only in the manga. If you want to read the scanned, translated manga pages with him in it, visit - you'll also find a list of the Japanese used with definitions. Thanks!  
-Trin)_

_** Shoujo Kakumei Utena Waiting Still: Part Three **_

I wake up, and for a long time I just stare at the bunk above my head and wonder what all the fuss was about.

Okay, yes; so now I have a ring. But Utena's came under weird circumstances too, didn't it? It's a little odd that people who aren't actually students here keep getting these rings meant for high-performance students in the school.... Part of the Big Conspiracy? Oh yes, I really think it is.

From this perspective, yesterday really a lot more sense. From the time differences to reappearing food to that entire dream with the Voice - which most definitely did not not and never could happen - clearly, it was all part of the dream. And all the kinds of hallucinations I had have been documented before as being a side-effect of mind-altering drugs; in fact, I probably wasn't supposed to be able to remember any of what happened yesterday.

Actually, I'm not sure that I DO. But I remember the dream, and I have the ring as proof; they can't make me forget so easily.

I already KNOW there's a Big Conspiracy here - one big enough and broad enough that the police were completely fooled, that kidnapping or possibly murder or worse is involved, and that I'm damned lucky I didn't wake up dead. While hardly a comforting thought, it doesn't bother me - I knew the risks when I came. Worse than this is the fact that if I'm right... then it means someone in the Big Conspiracy knows enough of what I was trying to do that they found it necessary to interfere, and I have no way of knowing who it is or how.

I shift a little bit in my sheets, trying to form a strategy in my head. I can hear Kaoru-sempai breathing softly above me; he seemed so nice last night. I don't want to be over-hasty in judging him. He might not be involved - although if he is, then he's the best liar I've ever known in my life.

Never mind. I'll make it up to him later, but right now, I just don't want to wake him up. Sliding out from under my covers as quietly as possible, I head for the bathroom to take a shower.

I take the ring with me as I step under the water.

It's a weird thing, this ring. Bulky, too round and wide to possibly be comfortable, and yet when it's slipped onto your finger - 

And... yet.

When I put it on, it slides along my skin like skin itself, somehow warm and smooth and textured so perfectly that it's contoured to fit exactly on my hand. So perfectly that if I don't really try to think about it - I can forget it's there.

I shudder. With my luck, the ring IS the drug. 

Enough paranoia. It's time to get out.

I don't take very long to get ready; in under ten minutes I'm dressed, my hair is brushed, and I'm on my way out the door. Kaoru-sempai's still asleep; I do believe I'll just leave him that way - 

"Good morning," he says, and sits up in bed with a smile.

...caught.

"Hi," I say, quietly because his voice was, and let him make the next move.

He slips out of the top bunk, landing lightly on his feet, and pads toward me; then, he holds out his hand. "Kaoru Miki, senior" he says, smiling. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Senior? HE'S a senior? But he's younger than I am.

I take his hand. "Kisho Kaido, sophomore. The pleasure is mine." 

He beams. "Are you hungry? The cafeteria's breakfast is actually pretty good - and I'd love to get to know you better."

He's really making an effort here; I can't shake the feeling that he's genuine... but I have things I need to investigate that really don't need any company.

"I'm... not really hungry..." 

"Oh, that's okay, neither am I - I like to take just tea in the morning. Come on, let me show you around, okay?"

Wow; he's _good_. I hesitate, but it's a losing battle; I already know I can't say "no" to him. Maybe he's right and meeting again the next day is a good thing - or maybe he's just the one they put me with because they knew he'd be hard to refuse. 

Maybe I'm getting _too_ paranoid.

"Well... okay, sure. We'll have some tea. Just let me finish packing my bag - I have class in an hour."

"That works. I have a meeting with the student council in an hour, as well. Can I help you?"

"... if you like." He's so... _genuine_. Big Conspiracies with THIS guy? I can't see it.

"I saw your laptop on the desk," he observes helpfully. "Do you like computers?" 

Oooh, buzzword.

I take two minutes to make sure I have everything while we talk - my maps, "weapons," school books and money - and then join him on his way out the door, and by the time we lock it, we've already found so many areas in which we're similar that we're talking like old friends. 

I'm sharply aware of my lonlieness since Utena left; and I'm just as aware that if he IS part of the Big Conspiracy, then it was pure genius on someone's part to put us together. And if not - which I'm more inclined to accept - then I just lucked out and got a really nice roommate.

We go to breakfast, and for a while, I forget to be paranoid.

* * *

_Once upon a time, four student council members stood around a broken table and were silent. Three faced forward; one faced away. __Chairs - one less than needed, and too filthy to use - marked the invisible boundaries of the area's perimeter, and no one moved toward them. Casually, Touga tossed a manilla folder to the ground between them._

_"There," he said. "Everything we have on him, although it isn't much. What information is in the data banks wasn't put there by any of us." By 'any of us,' Touga meant anyone native to the school, and this was understood without explanation._

_"But then how did he come to be here?" Miki asked, leaning forward over the folder as if to keep anyone from stepping on it. "It's not possible that he just... joined in, is it?"_

_"He comes from the same school as Utena," Touga offered, and ran his fingers through his hair. "Connection?"_

_"Coincidence," stated Juri decisively. _

_"Did the End of the World call him as well?" Miki wondered quietly._

_"No," said Touga._

_"But we thought that about Utena at first, too," Miki pointed out, and Touga shook his head._

_"Different circumstances. She had the ring of a duelist before she ever came to this academy. She'd been saved by her 'prince;' Kaido has neither."_

_"He has a ring now," Miki pointed out, and Touga again shook his head; his hair fell forward over his eyes._

_"He has been accepted into what's left of the duels because that was the only way for him to exist in this world. You saw what happened otherwise."_

_"A 'ghost,' indeed," snorted Juri. "Such idiocy could only come from the freshman classes."_

_"They didn't know what else to make of him, Juri," Miki corrected, gently. "They could only see him if looking at him directly, and then he was translucent at best. What were they supposed to think?"_

_"They were supposed to use their heads and not throw a full-blown panic that had to be Taken Back," Juri snapped back at him, and Miki flinched as if hit and fell silent._

_"Now, now," Touga interposed, "enough of that. What's done is done; being Taken Back hurts, but we've all survived it. Our concern needs to be for the future."_

_"We have a future?" Saionji turned finally to face them, eyes locking onto the student council president as though the others did not exist. "We don't have a future. You're only avoiding reality as usual, Setokaichou."_

_Touga did not seem to consider this statement worthy of a reply. "I suggest that we wait and see what it is that this Kaido wants with our school. __He may have nothing to do with the End of the World. He may not be important at all in the scheme of things - merely a sign that the powers that be are finally coming to an end."_

_"A delicate way of phrasing, __Setokaichou," Juri remarked, eyeing him. "We all know the power lay with the Bride and not the End of the World. Why don't you just say so and have done with it?"_

___"Because, my dear Arisugawa-san, I actually have an instinct for self preservation," Touga replied smoothly, and smiled at her._

___Juri glared, and though her fists bunched, she did not attack. "I'm done here," she said, tugging her jacket down with sharp movements. Turning, she marched straight for the elevator and did not look back._

___Saionji appeared to be taking this entire line of conversation personally. "So even in all of this, you're still determined to upstage me," he snarled, and Touga looked toward him questioningly._

___"What?"_

___"You know what I'm talking about! You think I don't see?" Saionji threatened vaguely; Miki gently touched his arm_

___"Saionji - please."_

___Saionji quieted, but yanked his arm away. "She's right. It's done. I'll take care of this myself." He turned as well and marched for the elevator._

___Touga sighed. "Anything to add, Miki-kun?" he asked._

___"No, Setokaichou," Miki said quietly, looking at the folder with a sad expression._

___Touga studied him. "You had breakfast with him, did you not?"_

___For a moment, Miki was silent; and then - even though he knew better - he tried to make Touga understand. "Setokaichou... he... he doesn't BELONG here."_

___"I thought that was the point, Miki-kun," Touga replied, still studying him._

___"No, you don't understand. He REALLY doesn't belong here. The way he thinks - the way he's built. He's intelligent, don't get me wrong, but he's not MEANT for a conflict like this, he doesn't belong in the duels at ALL - "_

___"Then perhaps he should have been more careful about which school database he decided to hijack, hm?" Touga replied, and ducked to snatch up the folder again. He tossed his head, flipping his hair over one shoulder and out of his face. "There's nothing we can do about it, Miki-kun. Don't get too attached."_

___Miki looked at him. Defiance - subtle and rare - flashed through his eyes, and he took a deep breath to answer._

___"Careful," Touga commented lightly, his timber just short of warning; Miki subsided._

___"Are we through here, Setokaichou?" he asked quietly, eyes on the ground; and Touga nodded. _

___"We are." With that, he turned toward the elevator._

___Miki studied the spot where Kaido's folder had lain, then followed Touga in silence. _

___He had nothing else to say. ____It seemed as though his mind had been made up for him._

* * *

Algebra. I HATE algebra. You'd think that a school based around some Big Conspiracy might have had the good sense to do away with such proletarian opressive nonsense as algebra, but noooo... I still have to do it. I swear it's the red tape of the mathematics world.

It probably would have been better if this particular teacher didn't seem to be high on some sort of drug, but things stand, he's really no help. Most math teachers I've had were eminently practical people; but I think this guy missed that quality when it was being handed out. _He_ thinks math equals enlightenment, which means that in the middle of his lessons he'll suddenly start spouting off on some higher truth in the balance of all things. 

Most of my classmates' eyes glaze over; I'm lucky I like to draw and have something to do with all the extra notepaper I have left.

And speaking of drawing....

Afternoon; classes done; no homework to speak of, no company - it's time to go on a reconnaissance mission. 

First things first: rule number one of combat is to know your terrain like the back of your hand _before_ end up having to run over it like hell at night. I know it sounds ridiculous; but the fact still remains that I want to check my campus map to make sure all is well, even if it's not as off as it was yesterday in the drug dream. Now that my classes are done for the day, I'm going to walk the breadth of the campus and see what I can find.

All right; so I'm in the blue rose dorm, which is technically the north dorm; good enough as a reference. I'll just start walking. 

It's a pleasant enough afternoon. The people streaming by me still freak me out a little, just because of that dream; at least this time, they actually see me. I never thought I'd be grateful to get the usual looks of dismissal that belongs to all nerds, but compared to being treated like a ghost... geez. I'd take this any day.

....Hm; puzzling. According to my map, right there should be the end of the buildings on campus - just here, beyond the little bath bordering the dorms east and south at right angles, but instead, I'm finding a whole other set of dorms. Dilapidated dorms; these things have boarded up windows and unkempt landscaping. I suspect the insides aren't much better; hope no one has to live in them. 

Still, inhabited or not, their presence differs from my map considerably, so that means I have to change my map. Sitting under another ugly stone fountain, I spread my map out on the ground and start sketching. This one over here... and there's a funny gate with an arch there, and - 

A shadow falls across my view.

My pencil sketchings are very light, so with them shadowed like that I can't see them; I look up to see if I can get this guy to move.

"Excuse me?"

Whoa. Big guy. BIG guy. Wearing a hakama and holding a bokken and glaring down at me like I am _personally_ responsible for every little problem in his life, and the thought crosses my mind that he might not be inclined to do anything I ask. 

He scowls. "You are Kaido Kisho," he informs me, sort of hoarsely. There are dark circles under his eyes.

"Um... last I checked, yes." Oh, this won't end well.

"RaaaAAH!" he says, or something very close to it, and suddenly is swinging his bokken RIGHT at my head - 

"Gah!" I shout, and fling myself backwards; visions of yesterdays madness spin through my head as his bokken comes cracking right down into the side of the fountain, right where I was. "Wh... what are you DOING?"

He just sort of growls and advances, moving like he really knows how to use his bokken and plans to demonstrate on me. Well, I'm out of options, and was not much of a fool about these things; he obviously won't be reasoned with, so I just flip around and run like hell.

"Come BACK HERE!" he shrieks - yes, _shrieks_, like some weirdo girl - and comes pounding after me. 

_I was right, they're all nuts,_ I decide giddily, and wonder if I have enough adrenaline to keep me ahead of him before he can catch me. I've never been athletic, but I AM fast - endurance might be a problem - 

"Help!" I cry, but by the time any of these snobs look up, we're already past them and still running. Instead of helping, they start to stream after us like we're heading to a ballgame. Oh, just peachy.

I try to dodge; twice, I double past him, managing by dint of pure dumb luck to trip him on the last go, which gives me a few seconds' advantage which I try to use by running even more like hell. Adults - adults can fix this. Remembering where the registrar's office was yesterday, I make a sharp turn left and head for that.

Only... it doesn't work.

No. No, this can't be happening. No, this is just like the drug-dream of yesterday and _that was just a dream - _

A brick wall which was not there yesterday is in my bath, and I skid into it because there's no time to stop.

"AAAAAH!" the psycho screams as he comes at me, gripping his bokken above his head with both hands like he plans to split me in half.

My brain is working without me, and that's very good, because I'm sure I'm going to die.

He's coming at me - wide open - not guarding at all, only focused on bringing his bokken down, but he's aiming for hitting me here against the wall and therefore if I push off the wall with my feet and leap forward - 

I will never be able to explain just what happened. I just suddenly found myself moving TOWARD him, with my fist out like Astroboy's, and through some miracle of God it and his jaw connect.

But the miracles don't end there. Somehow, somewhere, through some extraordinary means, my fist doesn't just connect, it _wins_. Physics don't apply; he just goes flying back with his feet flying up and his head going down, and lands hard enough on his back that just hearing his _oof_ makes me feel like losing my breath. Of course, I don't SEE him land; that's because I'm rebounding the other way and then curling bodily around my ruined hand and wondering what the hell just happened. 

Now that it doesn't matter any more, people are gathering around now and commenting and staring and asking questions, and I shudder trying to fight the flashbacks from yesterday's dream. But this ISN'T yesterday's dream; just the fact that no one is looking at me cinches that.

Somebody's shouldering his way forward through the crowd.

"Move - out of the way, let me see - oh, gods, Saionji..." 

Red hair. Why do I remember red hair?

He kneels quickly and checks bokken-man's pulse, leaning over him like they're completely familiar with each other. Even I can't help but notice that he's effortlessly holding the attention of those portions of the crowd that aren't focused on bokken-man. Red looks up at me, grim, and not quite accusing. "What happened here?"

Good question.

"I... um... don't know. He just... decided to attack me," I say, and my voice chooses now to crack like the traitor it is. Okay, fine. I'll just stop talking, that'll show it. 

Red sighs. "This is a mess," he pronounces, and runs his hand through his hair.

"I didn't do anything to him," I protest, because now I'm getting evil looks on the bokken-man section of the crowd.

"Probably not," Red agrees, "but I think you'd still better come with me." With that he stands, flipping bokken-man over his shoulder like the he weighs mere ounces, and looks at me. "This way," he says, and starts walking.

"Y-yeah." Oh, gods; where are we going? The nurse? The principal? I was right, this isn't ending well...

The crowd of people parts for him like the proverbial Red Sea - pun intended - and we're on our way.

He walks steadily. I have to trot to keep up because EVERYONE around here is tall, and after a few minutes the silence becomes too much. "My bag," I share, knowing it's stupid but HAVING to say something. 

"Your what?" he says, turning to look at me.

"My bag. My knapsack, and my books - I left them all over by one of the fountains...." and now I'm trying to figure out just where that is, because my sense of direction has been completely screwed by this adventure.

"Oh, don't worry about _that_," he says, like it's completely negligible. "I'll have someone pick it up for you."

Pick it up for me? What the hell is he, student body president?

"I'm Kiryuu Touga, by the way - call me Touga. I'm the student body president."

....why are only my stupid guesses the good ones? "Kisho Kaido," I said, studying our shadows and sort of vaguely calculating how many of my steps make up one of his on average. "I'm... I just transferred here."

"Why?" he asks. 

...oh, gods. I never thought anyone would ask me that. I know - _know_ - that the gut-clenching _caught_ feeling shows on my face for a moment, and I stammer, trying to think of a good answer.

"What in the world happened here?" cries a voice, and some random woman in a nurse's uniform comes flying out of the building in front of us and toward Kiryuu-sempai and his burden. She's fussing and carrying on and has all three of us inside her office before I can say bandaid, and doesn't stop talking the entire time we're there.

I can't say this makes me unhappy. I never answered Kiyruu-sempai's question.

Since my hand is only bruised (bruised, NOT broken, there is some good in the world), I get to leave almost as soon as she's wrapped it; but Kiyruu-sempai opts to stay until bokken-man wakes up. Saoinji, I think he said the name was.

Well, I have no intention of staying around until bokken-man wakes up. In fact, when bokken-man wakes up, I plan to be as far away from him as is currently possible.

Nobody made any excuses for bokken-man. Apparently, insanity is his norm; but that's not really what I care about now. I can't avoid the fact that for the second day in a row, I'm retreating to my dorm feeling like I've gone head-first through some kind of plough and with every intention of staying there for the rest of the night. I'm a coward.

... and my bag with all my belongings is somehow sitting right inside my door.

Thank all the good that exists in the world that Miki isn't home from classes yet; I like him a little too much to want him to see me freaking out just now.

I don't know how my bag got back here. I don't know who brought it in, who had a key, or what they saw if they went through it. I don't even know how Red "Call Me Touga" sent out the word. 

I. Don't. Know. Anything. And I'm beginning to feel that I'm in WAY over my head.

Okay; That thought pattern is not allowed. New gameplan: take a HOT bath, force myself to go to dinner; act normal, and be damned if I let this little mindgame mess me up before I've even begun.

Hope you heard that, Big Conspiracy leader. My mission's more compelling than this. Utena is... and that's really what matters.

* * *

. 

.

.

_fire_

. 

.

.

_fire and water, and cracking stone_

_ echoing like gunshots_

_ in my ears, in the walls_

_skin_

_feel of flesh, soft_

_moving_

_against me_

_soft hair - _

_...Utena?_

_roses_

_more fire_

_....pain___

_PAIN_

_cutting_

_slicingpain, through my heart_

_scissoring back and forth, like the skin_

_through me, and_

_I'm dying_

_the end is here_

_**I'M DYI-**_

Suddenly, I'm sitting straight up in bed, gasping, gripping my sweaty pajamas and staring at nothing. 

What in the WORLD.... A nightmare? But I don't HAVE nightmares! I haven't had one since I was a CHILD! 

Unsure, making certain I'm REALLY awake, I touch my own face, registering I'm soaking and even my hair is wet with sweat; I'm going to have to go take a shower. I shiver, a little; some weird thing from the nightmare... it reminds me of the Voice from the other day, although I'd be hard pressed to explain how. I'm not sure how that makes me feel.

Okay. Enough of this. Out of bed, to the bathroom - 

Miki's not back yet, and that's okay. I have no idea if it's usual for him to be out at two in the morning, but I do NOT need company right now, and it's a relief not to have to face him.

Time to splash cold water repeatedly on my face. Utena... I'm beginning to wonder if the reason you disappeared was just because you ran like hell from this utterly insane place. I miss you so much. If I knew where you were, I'd go right to you - 

And suddenly bedroom door slams open and somebody comes screeching into the room.

"ONIISAN!" 

What? Gods, what is it _now_?

"OniiiiiiiiSAN!" shrieks SOME irritated female - in MY room, no less - and suddenly the bathroom door flies open and I'm being grabbed by the lapels of my pajamas and THROWN away from her toward the door. I go stumbling backwards through it because it's open, and slam into the balcony railing hard enough to lose my breath.

"WHERE IS HE!" shrieks the witch.

"How the hell should _I_ know?!" I shout back at her, deciding that since no one else is sane here, my best bet is to play along until I can get out. And that's when I get a good look at her.

But... but Miki is a _boy_.

"...M....iki?" I choke, clutching my shirt closed with one hand and leaning against the (thankfully stable) bannister with the other.

She stares. "Miki? I'm his SISTER, you utter and complete loser - where IS he!?"

Sister? Twin sister... "I told you, I don't know!"

"YOU should know! He left YOU a note!"

"He.... wha?"

She sighs and bends forward, reaching into her blouse - ya, that's a she, I did NOT need to see that - and pulling out a piece of paper, which she thrusts under my nose. "Read it!" she snaps, and what am I going to do, argue?

"All right, all right," I say, trying to mollify, and hold it at arm's length; my glasses are still in my room.

_Kaido,_

_I hope I get the chance to come home and take this back before you read it. If, however, you DO find it tomorrow morning, then you have to promise me something, even though I'm not there:_

_Get out as quickly as you can._

_I'm sorry I can't give you any more information, Kaido. Just please believe me that things are getting too dangerous now. Please - leave._

_-Miki_

"....Wh-what?" 

"You don't know where he is?" she asks, her voice quiet enough now to sounds like she actually cares. 

"No, I don't know where he is. Where did you get this?" Now I'M concerned; and I can forgive her for being psycho for the moment because she's stopped being psycho at _me_. 

"Your bag. I don't know where he is." She eyes me, hard; how the hell could I have ever mistaken this witch for Miki? "But you know what? I can guess. Come on, nerd-boy. You're coming with me." And with that she grabs my wrist and starts dragging me toward the stairs.

Well. At least the mystery of my backpack is now solved.

"W-wait, I need my glasses!" I shout at her, even though the thing I should be shouting is "let the hell GO of me, I'm not going with you!" - but apparently, my brain used up all its good sense today dealing with bokken-man.

"Oh. FINE," she snaps, and drags me back into my room. In moments, she's thrust my glasses into my hands and is towing me down the stairs again, obviously not prepared to listen to any kind of argument.

It's occurring to me right about now that I should have demanded shoes. Oh, well; too late now.

* * *

The woods, huge and rounded, balloon before us like they're resting on a giant mushroom. Along the base, high enough to discourage trespassing, there's a wide, white wall; and that's where we seem to be heading.

"He went to the castle. I know my brother. He's tried this before. You did something to him, nerd-boy, and he went to the castle. This is your fault!"

Yeah, whatever. I would like to know just what we're doing out at the edge of the woods in the middle of the night. Miki's out here? Sure; and I'm a bunny rabbit.

We finally come to the wall, and I'm surprised to see that there's a door in the wall. Of course, it might be more of a secret if there weren't another big ugly fountain right just a few feet away... 

She points to the handle and gives me a little shove, and I regret again that I didn't ask for shoes; the grass is even colder by the fountain. "Open it," she says. 

I come much closer to asking 'why me?' than would be good for my health, but somehow, I contain it. 

"Okay, okay," I say, and go to grab the handle; if this thing's locked, I swear I'm going to look for him on my own - 

And then... something happens.

I can't explain it at first; there's a tingling,a wamrth that I don't understand racing pleasantly through my hand, followed by a tiny splash of water.

"Ugh!" I say, pulling my hand back because that was unexpected; and then suddenly, everything starts to shake. 

Right in front of my face, the wall is coming down.

"Look out!" I cry, leaping back and running into her and trying to take her with me, but she acts like she KNEW this was going to happen and WANTS it - and in the moment we toussle for control, I see why. 

It's not coming down - it's REFORMING.

Pieces of the wall begin to slide like parts of a puzzle, trembling deep in the very earth as they shift - impossibly, smoothly, effortlessly angling as water pours from somewhere, beautiful and perfect, splashing onto them and catching the light like daydreams. And with no more impetus than this, the pieces fold and curve into such delicate, perfect beauty that takes my breath away.

It's a rose. A rose like I've never seen, huge, each and every petal even more detailed than the ones on my ring, and I KNOW by looking at it that there are too many tons in that thing for it to be so easily, perfectly poised the way it is. I touch the petal closest; smooth, powerful stone, warm - how can it be warm, that makes no _sense_... And it's too heavy; it can't support it's own weight. This whole THING is impossible.

In the center of this rose is a doorway; a gaping causeway leading into darkness; a perfect entrance in the heart of stone, and I'm almost afraid if I go in I won't come out alive - but Kozue leaves me no choice. 

"Miki, we're coming!" she shouts, and with that she takes my hand, and in we plunge. 

....and then, there is _light_.

"Miki!" she cries - and runs. I'm half blinded; there's light everywhere, even though I know there CAN'T be because it's night, and I can't see where she is, if she went toward the... the...

...stairs?

STAIRS; like saying Mount Everest is "high." Spiral, fantastic, they spin far above my head at an impossible angle until they peak on a plane above my head that _cannot be there_ - flat, a disc, large enough that it should have toppled, and above that - 

...there's a castle in the sky.

Improbable, angular, almost Slavic - suspended in the air by _nothing _ that I can see and throwing prisms of light off its stained glass skin like a child strewing flower petals. There are gaping holes in the sides - pieces of it missing, like what would happen with any castle left untouched for too long, which adds an uncomfortable air of realism to this that churns my stomach because surely if I'd imagined a floating upside-down castle it would have been PERFECT - 

Catch your breath, Kaido. You're breathing too fast; and where did Kozue go?

"... Kozue?"

Oh, great, she's missing. She's not running up the stairs - I'd see her. But she thinks Miki is up here, that much was clear, and if she tried to get to the top under the castle - 

- which is in the air, so what bits do fall come down right onto that platform - 

I don't think about it. I can't. I just start to climb. 

Scent of roses; feel of stone - and as I come to the top, there's screaming, screaming which is definitely Kozue, and as I'm watching as I'm walking I actually SEE a stone fall from that castle and crash to the platform below.

I begin to run.

* * *

Kozue... cannot enter. Or does not - she just stands on the edge of the stairs, and I have no way of knowing why because she's not my focus now, anyway. 

In the center of this platform, on his knees and gripping a sword with blood all over is Miki. "No! Kozue, I mean it! Get out of here!" 

Another chunk of castle falls from the sky, this one landing close enough that its landing sprays us all with stone shrapnel. Miki is closest, and he flinches as it draws blood on his cheek. I don't see exactly where it cuts him because I can't look at him; something else holds my attention.

Stretched before him is a pathway. Simple, pure, straight, it's a pathway leading to something I can't quite see....

_Paradise_

No - no, not paradise, I don't know why my brain supplied that word before any other, but I know it can't be that. A narrow bridge to another door, somehow too gleaming, too perfect and white; it holds my eyes, and I know, _know,_ that if I walked that path I would find...

_Eternity_

...some Other Voice, in my head - 

Stop it! STOP IT! Those are NOT MY WORDS!

Kozue screams, grabbing my attention again in time to follow her gaze and see another piece fall from the castle, a big one this time, a full turret with windows and scrolling so delicate along its length that I'm moved by the mere beauty of it - 

- even as it's smashed to nothing on the platform, glass and stone flying everywhere like chaos from a bomb, and a small chunk hits Kozue on the head and she falls.

"Kozue!" Miki cries, his voice utterly hoarse, but I'm already moving, because she's falling _backwards_ and that means off the platform - 

I grab her in time, just barely in time, and it's strength I DON'T have to pull her back up with me. We lay frozen like that, suspended at right angles in this horrid moment of time, and I can't cry for help because all my strength is concentrated on holding this girl from falling too far, too long -

The bandages on my hand help. They're giving me enough traction to hold her.

An ominous _cracking_ sound above me; like splitting the bones of the gods, and I look up and see that another section is about to come down - 

Right over Miki. 

"Get her out of here!" he's crying, a horrible, torn quality to his voice, and suddenly I'm being presented with a Choice.

Save Kozue, if I can.

Save Miki, if I can.

Or - 

_Come to me.... eternity dwells here._

Oh my gods, I am going crazy - 

"Shut up! That is NOT MY VOICE!"

Miki stares at me, then looks down the path toward that door into Paradise, and then back at me again; only now he looks like he's the one seeing a ghost.

"K... Kaido..." he begins, and then tries to get up and can't. Something is wrong with his leg - 

And Kozue is slipping. I can't hold her. I can't. I -

_Utena could._

...you son of a BITCH. 

I cry out loudly, flinging my arm over and gripping her somehow with both of my hands, and I'm sliding and there's nothing to brace myself on and she feels heavier than I am but we're running out of _time_ -

Miki tries to stand again, even though he can't, and there's another breaking sound above us and I know I have no time left at all.

"AAAAAAAH!" I scream, throwing myself backwards and straining until I think my shoulders are tearing off my body, scraping her badly along the edge of the stone as I pull her back onto the platform, and then with no time no time _no time to spare_ I run toward Miki -

Who looks like he's passed out, curled on the floor with bloodied hands still wrapped around his sword, and that entire section of castle above us is falling - 

Falling; slow motion, turned just a little to the side like one half let go before the other, almost elegant as it comes, and its shadow spreads around us like growing death. And there is no more time. I throw myself over Miki's body, cover both our heads, and wait for the inevitable. 


	4. Part Four

_(notes: I've used Japanese in this, as well as a character who's unfamiliar because he was only in the manga. If you want to read the scanned, translated manga pages with him in it, visit - you'll also find a list of the Japanese used with definitions. Thanks!  
-Trin)_

_** Shoujo Kakumei Utena Waiting Still: Part Four **_

_...Where am I?_

_Darkness_

_Warm, close darkness_

_Without feeling closed in_

_Warm, and safe, and home_

_Home._

_"Kaido."_

_I open my eyes, and there's nothing. It's just darkness, like a cave or a womb - it feels good. So good. _

_"Kaido."_

_...Utena?_

_"Kaido - "_

_"Yes?"_

_"Kaido - help me."_

_Help her?_

_HELP her!?_

_Cold fear splashes down my spine like ice water, and I jolt with near physical pain because I remember. I remember everything. And I should be dead._

_"Help me - "_

_...and there's... PAIN_

_She's in pain - there... through the heart, through her body, sharp, rigid pain throughough like metal forced through her bones and I - __and I - Utena...._

"UTENA!" I shout and sit straight up, gasping for breath and clutching my body where I swear I can still FEEL the blades slicing and nestled throughout my body and - 

...huh?

I'm... waking up in my own bed.

My own... bed?

But that's... that's impossible!

I lie back down again, blinking slowly, forcing myself to breathe, focusing on the bed above me. Okay. Okay, Kaido - THINK. Think like your life depends on it because your sanity _does_, and you can't let anything slip. 

We were on top of the tower. Check. And the castle was coming down on us. Check. And we were going to die or at least be grievously injured. ...not check.

Okay, that's not very conclusive. 

Let's do ANOTHER kind of check. I'm fine; my glasses are folded right beside me on the nightstand, and I'm just... freaking... fine. 

Suddenly it's all too much for me, and I start to panic.

I leap out of my bed, running my hands frantically over my chest because I CANNOT believe I'm all in one piece. I even feel my scalp to make sure all my hair is still there. It's dark in here - still the middle of the night or early morning or something, and I can't see myself as clearly as I'd like, so I run quickly to the bathroom and take a good, long look... because I should NOT have gotten out of this unscathed. And - 

...and... I DIDN'T.

My knees are scraped. Both of them are scraped... which they SHOULD be, because they got that way when I was trying to keep Kozue from falling off the side. It did happen. It DID. And now I have proof positive that someone, somehow, is screwing with my mind.

I have NEVER been so happy to see an injury. I'm not going crazy. I'm sane.

I race out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom, just in time to see Miki come down off the top bunk - he probably woke up because of my shouting. He rubs his eyes, looking sleepy, and offers me a smile. 

His hands are bandaged. 

"Hello, Kaido. Are you awake, too? Did you sleep w-"

I'm not waiting for confirmation on this; in three quick strides, I'm right in front of him, and before he can even finish his sentence, I've grabbed both his hands in mine.

He gasps. "A-ah!" he cries, an attempt not to shout 'ow,' I think, and I feel a little guilty for squeezing so hard; he can't hide the way all the color drains from his face, or the way his body stiffens.

Sorry I hurt you, Miki, but my sanity is at stake.

"Sorry," I say, letting go. "I didn't mean to grab you quite that hard. So our Mystery Dream Maker can keep us from being crushed under three tons of rock but he can't heal cuts and scrapes? That's a little weird, don't you think?"

Well, that did it. He's utterly, completely lost all color in his face; in fact, he looks terrified. Clutching his bandaged hands to his chest, he stares at me. "I... I don't know what you mean."

"I think you do." 

And by the way - I know I sound like I'm all scary and influential in this, but I'm really not. I'm pale; my own hands are shaking. My heart is racing at about three hundred and fifty nine beats per minute, and I'm half sure I'm going to be sick. Oh, and the bullying-Miki thing? That's REALLY not helping.

He still looks horrified. "Kaido... I don't know what I CAN tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because... because it..."

The fire alarm goes off, and we both nearly jump out of our skins. 

"...haah," Miki says weakly, which could mean anything; and then he's handing me my robe and grabbing his own. "Come on," he says. "It's a fire drill." 

"Fire drill? What time is it?"

"I don't know," he says grimly, and hurries out the door.

Damnit. DAMNIT. Convenient timing? Coincidence? I don't know. Tugging my robe around me tightly, I follow.

* * *

So here we all are. All 700 of us, in pajamas, milling aimlessly around in the main courtyard because the firedrill told us to. Gods, I feel like an idiot.

Miki fled; I couldn't find him once I got out here, and I guess... I can't really blame him. I was too hard him, I see that now; taking my panic out on him when I know he's really not the type to handle such things.

I'm thinking maybe we need to talk a little - like an exchange of information, rather than an interrogation. At any rate, I know I owe him an apology; he may know what's going on, but it feels like he's more of a prisoner than a confederate - and I don't want to ruin what relationship we have because of all this weirdness. 

Well, there's safety in numbers, right? It's comforting; so, I go looking for him.

This is a LONG firedrill; maybe they're counting heads. But some ten minutes later, I've circled back to where I started and I haven't seen either Miki OR his sister; you'd think I would have spotted one of them, right?

Wrong. 

Okay, you know what? This is annoying me. Enough is enough. Turning around, I clamber up onto one of those stupid ugly rose fountains and try to spot one of the Kaoru twins in the dark.

* * *

_He laughs softly, and leans against the wall. "He's sort of cute, isn't he? Eager. Not really thinking, even though he prides himself on it. Very cute... yes."_

_The other does not answer, drowning instead in his own problems; however, the sounds of a third behind him softly weeping finally shakes his trance. He follows the gaze of his Rijichou obediently, and sees the boy on the fountain._

_"What is he doing?"_

_"Looking for Miki-kun, I do believe," says the first with some dry amusement, and straightens. "Why don't you go greet him?"_

_"Greet him?" he looks at his rijichou with question._

_"Greet him. Be his friend. Every young man needs a friend - don't you agree, Setokaichou?" A smile follows._

_The setokaichou is wise enough not to comment._

_"It seems to me we have a little mystery, Setokaichou," continues the Rijichou, not waiting for the younger man to respond. "He came here to find Utena."_

_"Utena?" the younger sounds surprised, as if the name should not exist._

_"Yes. Ironic, isn't it? Go on. Be his friend. Find out what you can."_

_Silence. Surprises take time to digest; then: "But I thought... _

_"Go."_

_"Very well, Rijichou," says the Setokaichou quietly, and leaves to do as he is told._

_Left behind, the soft weeping in the shadows continue. The rijichou smiles; "You know he won't find you if you're here," he says quietly. But the shadow behind him does not respond, and in the end, nothing is done._

* * *

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. I can't see him, I can't find him... maybe I should just start calling his name. I brace myself on the petals, take a deep breath, and - 

"Kaido? Is that you up there?"

GAH. I stiffen. You know, it's funny; I'm so used to being ignored and so focused on finding Miki that I kinda forgot other people could see me up here, eh heh...

Exhale. "Um. Hi." I'm looking down at Kiry- er, Touga, who's right below my feet; probably the only time I'm ever going to see him from this angle, so I might as well memorize it. "How are you?" Stupid question; weird situation. It fits.

"I'm fine, Kaido, although I think you're beginning to worry some people up there - was there something on the ground we should all be afraid of?"

There's some sniggering as he says this - he's not exactly whispering, for obvious reasons, and as before when he opens his mouth, people listen. I find I'm glad that the darkness is keeping my blush hidden.

"No... I was looking for someone."

"Well, why don't you come down and let me look with you? I can see over most people's heads, you know - and mobile, you'll have a better chance of finding him. Not to mention that way, you won't scare the girls."

Lots of female pouty protests at that, because who's scared, they're not scared, no one's scared, eeeeveryone's brave for their student council president Kiryuu Touga the GOD, and now I REALLY don't want to come down.

I will. But I don't want to; so there.

"All right, all right," I say, even though he wasn't really nagging, and clamber back DOWN the ugly rose fountain to the ground.

Geez, he's tall. I was pretty high up, wasn't I? "Okay. Let's go look. I'm sure you know who it is, it's - "

"Kaoru Miki, yes I know. You were calling for him earlier. Shall we?"

...I was?

He starts through the crowd, oblivious to the idiots leaving snail trails of drool in his wake, and I trot after him. No, I literally mean trot; he's wasting no time, and the height difference between us is absurd. He has almost a foot on me....

- and I don't think I was calling Miki's name.

We circle the crowd, looking here and there; and students are looking bored now, because even for THEM this is a really long fire drill. Finally, we come back to the fountain I scaled. We had no results.

I sigh. "Well, thanks anyway, K... er, Touga. I guess I'll have to catch up with him back at my room."

He's looking at me. Damnit; I recognize that look. It's the deciding-how-to-handle-this-kid look. I HATE that look....

"Perhaps. It worries me a little that he isn't here, though - he's so very reliable, usually." He flips his hair over his shoulder with the air of a man who's performing and knows it, and then eyes me. "Mind if I hang around?"

....uuuugh....

"That won't be necessary," says a new voice, and I turn to see a woman walking toward us. Yeech; this one's a little scary. Red hair, masculine walk, very grim expression - very much In Control. 

Scary.

"Juri," Touga says, nodding to her approach. She stops in front of him, not even acknowledging me. I have no problems with this.

"There's been a problem," she says. "Your job is going to be to get the students into their dorms - EXCEPT for the south dorm, because that's where the problem is."

"Oh?" Touga asks casually, running his fingers through his hair again, and I note with some surprise that this woman Juri doesn't seem impressed. Okay, she gets points for that.

"Kaoru," she says; and my blood freezes. The people milling around us seem to fade into the background.

"Miki?" I say, hoarse; she finally looks at me.

"Kozue. Are you a part of this?" 

That's a challenge if I ever heard one, but I don't care. Fear is twisting my guts into pretzels. "Kozue? What ABOUT Kozue?"

"Be quiet," she snaps. "The general student body does not need to know this." She eyes me - like maybe I shouldn't know, either, and Silencing Me might become necessary. Gah...

To my complete and never-ending surrpise, Touga comes to my rescue. "It's all right, Juri," he says. "He's Miki's roommate, and my new friend. He can know."

Juri and I give him identical looks of "what the hell?" I'm his new WHAT?

Juri shakes her head with a sigh, dismissing him as an idiot. Definite points. "She tried to committ suicide an hour ago. Her roommate found her, and she's being rushed to the hospital. Her floor is a mess; no more details need be given out in public. This is your realm, Setokaichou." 

And with that, she just turns and walks away. Just walks off. Like what she said held nothing, _meant_ nothing, _was_ nothing. And I can't even move to ask the question if Miki knew and was with Kozue now.

Kozue...

Was it... something that we did? Was that the trigger?

I'm going to be sick.

"Hey, Kaido - easy there!" Touga says, interrupting my reverie of nausea and putting an arm around my shoulders. What do you know, I must look as bad as I feel.

"Let go," I mutter, but he ignores that. 

"Are you okay? You look a little green."

"I've never had a friend do that before," I reply lamely because I can't think of anything else, even though she really wasn't a friend, and maybe that's really what I meant anyway; but what's running through my head instead is that this is somehow _my fault_.

I know it's not. I KNOW that. Whatever's wrong with her was wrong before I got here, and I KNOW that's a fact.

...knowing doesn't help.

"Kaido?" Touga asks quietly, closer to my ear, and that's the end for me. Tearing away from his arm, I go run to the garden to find a quiet place to throw up.


	5. Part Five

You know what? I think I feel drugged. 

We've spent hours at the hospital. _Hours_, even though I barely knew Kozue or anyone related to her; it's not as if I can offer anything of use. But apparently this sort of thing doesn't matter to Touga the Magnificent.

I've learned a lot of things about Touga this evening - such as the fact that he has a real talent for avoiding listening to reason, and that he has a very strong grip.

"No, don't argue, you're definitely coming - she wants to see you," he enthused like an oil-slick politician, his fingers around my upper arm, and given the time and my stress level I must admit that had we not been interrupted, I would probably have shouted.

"Hello, Setokaichou," came a new voice - no... no, a new Voice.

It was the dean. He approached us, spoke calmly and reassuringly about where the ambulence went and that we had special permission to visit because we were such good friends of Miki's, and during the whole thing I never said a word. Not one word; because I recognized that Voice.

...it was real. HE was real. The Voice, the one who touched me, the one who's behind this whole damned thing....I still don't know what he did to me, or why he took us to the hospital tonight. I know that I can't think about it too much tonight. I can't; or I'm going to blow my cover and explode.

The Voice exists. 

Eventually, somebody shoved me off to my room to change my clothes and brush my teeth. I had no problem with that part of it because the taste of vomit has never been one of my favorites, but I also have to admit that I was tempted simply not to come out at all. So what got me out? The thought that Touga or the dean might come in after me. That's enough to get ANYBODY moving.

The trip to the hospital itself was weird - weird because I don't completely remember it, weird because we'd simply gotten into the dean's car and... well, gone, I suppose. I remember sitting in the back seat... I remember drifting off - and voices. Voice. I remember them talking about something, but... whatever it was....

Drugged. I have to believe that.

So then we arrived at the hospital, but the dean didn't stay; he ran off saying something about visiting other people, which made no sense to ME, but nothing tonight does. Just nothing.

"Are you here to see Ms. Kaoru, honey?" asks the well-meaning nurse all of a sudden, and I jump as she leans down and talks to me like I'm a child.

"Yes," I say, my traitorous voice cracking again. Uh, oh; she's getting that scrinched-up maternal look, which means she's going to start cooing - 

Touga comes to my rescue. "We are, yes - is she all right?" he asks, his voice doing this low-and-purry thing that mine will NEVER be able to do, and she turns to him and immediately forgets about me.

Whew.

"Oh - well... yes, she is," she says, blushing a little, and he smiles. "You can come up to see her now," she breathes, and Touga nods and stands. I scramble to my feet after him; I want to get this over with.

"This way," she says, and heads down the hall with considerably more swish than she'd first come up. Naturally, Touga walks practically beside her, talking in soft, sort of soothing tones.

Whatever. I don't really say, do, or think anything at all until I notice that the elevator is going to floor number nine. 

Floor number nine? You wonder what's so weird about that? Oh, nothing, if you're in a western-culture place where thirteen is the bad one; but in Japanese, "nine" sounds like our word for agony and torture, and "four" sounds like death. Four and nine are usually skipped when we put up buildings, or renamed; the fact that they put a suicide victim on floor nine is freaking me out.

I'm not superstitious, understand; but most people are. I'm not sure if this is negligence or forward-thinking.

"Here's her room," says Nurse Smitten, and... well, there's nothing else to do, is there? We go in.

* * *

Kozue looks so pale. 

Her arms are bandaged from her wrists almost up to her elbows; gods. What did she do, shove them into a Cuisinart?

"So you are real," she says suddenly, interrupting my reverie.

Whatever I expected, it wasn't that. "Um... what?"

She smiles at me, sort of a rictus of wry. "I said, you're real. You can go home now. I just wanted to see." And she lies back, wriggling herself comfortably under the sheets, and closes her eyes. End of interview, all done.

...what the HELL?

"Not until you tell me what you MEANT by that!" I demand, a little too loudly, and she only mutters in return.

"Jus' what I said," she goes sleepily, and I'm about to shout at her again when Nurse Smitten's hand comes down on my shoulder.

"Mr. Kisho, this is a hospital," she says icily, and I come perilously close to whirling on her and asking her how calm SHE would be if she'd just heard something that might be proof that there are drugs in the water. Because what Kozue said....

It sounds like I'm not the only one hallucinating. 

I open my mouth to argue, but then I catch Touga's eye over her shoulder. 

Mm... no. No. I can't bring this up now. Not while there's a Witness.

Stay. Calm.

"You're... you're right," I say, forcing my voice to sound repentant. "It's just really late, and I'm so tired. And... so worried." Who said I can't put my nerdish charm to use when I have to?

She softens. "It's all right, honey," she says, patting my shoulder. "But I think maybe it's time for you to go home."

I'm not going to argue. 

* * *

I don't understand, I just don't understand. I don't want to think about being manipulated like this, about being rendered so completely helpless. But I don't know - I just don't know yet - what's really going on or why I haven't disappeared like Utena; I just wish I could lose the horrible feeling that I'm running out of time to find out.

We're all very quiet on the way to the parking lot. I guess this shouldn't be surprising.

Somehow, the dean is waiting for us by the car, and we pile in and are going home. It's still blessedly quiet; the dean doesn't say anything, Touga doesn't say anything, and I'm scared to death, so I'm sure as hell not saying anything, either. 

The stress of this is too much. Way too much. I feel like I've fallen into some sort of stupid TV show, where all the rules don't apply and anything can happen. But this ISN'T a TV show, and the rules SHOULD apply - but what are the rules in the middle of a huge conspiracy?

It's all finally catching up with me. I'm either going to start crying or go to sleep.

Guess which one I pick?

* * *

_The leaves are falling. It always feel so sad when the leaves fall..._.

_And of course, here they come. I should have known they'd find me. Shouldn't have tried - _

_"Hey! Found him!"_

_ - grabbed, shaken and dragged, out into the damning sunlight and my GLASSES but I NEED those - _

_"All right, freak, you better have 'em on you this time or it's is gonna be worse, you got it?"_

_Worse? It can't be worse - not unless my father finds out._

_More shaking, grabbing, people don't care where they grab and I cry out, which brings more shaking - _

_...ripped my SHIRT. Mom's gonna KILL me...._

_"He doesn't have them!"_

_Evil, heavy silence, meaning more problems for me but I won't look at them because I already know what's coming and what little good does it do to look?_

_"You didn't. Get. The exam."_

_Be brave - like Shogun, like princes, like kings and Men and heroes. "No. I didn't. It wasn't the right thing to do."_

_"Why, you COCKY little - "_

_And it begins. And I can't do anything; too many of them for me to do anything, and I just have to take the hits. Careful, careful hits, in spite of their fury; placed in places that nobody but me will see, and maybe my father if I'm not careful when we bathe, but I always am. It's wiser that way, really._

_"DON'T you forget it next time, you hear me? Gods, I think he's retarded - " "We have to use him, he's the only one with a key to the office." "It's no use, he's not gonna do it."_

_Hope? Do I dare?_

_"He'd better do it." Tomo - the leader. Of course, they're going to listen to him. Somebody drops me to the ground, and I curl up, not because they're going to hit me again, but because if I don't I'm gonna throw up._

_"You got it yet, freak?" Tomo says, and leans down close. "This isn't wherever you came from. This is HERE, and around HERE, I'm the one in charge. Period. The last teacher's assistant did what I wanted, and you will, too, and if you don't - " _

_"Hey!"_

_Everybody jumps. Me, them, everybody. Who's that?_

_"What are you doing? Get away from him!"_

_Oh, gods; it's some crazy girl. I try to give her 'go AWAY' looks, but... _

_Nope. She's not getting it._

_"You heard me. I MEAN it! Get away from him!" She stands there, feet apart, hands on her hips, little Hello Kitty lunchbox dropped to the ground. Of course they're laughing at her. _

_"And what are you gonna do if we don't, little girl?" says Tomo quietly, dangerously; he doesn't like people talking back to him._

_She doesn't bother to argue. Instead, she does something that I do not and never will understand: she just runs up and attacks._

_I guess it helps that she's short. She keeps just... ducking when they try to hit her, then getting them hard in the stomach and... er... other places. She's quiet as she does it, concentrated, utterly deadly; and after a minute or two, they're actually starting to look SCARED._

_"Is that a boy or a girl?!" one of them demands, and then when she knocks Tomo in the eye and sends him onto his butt, apparently they decide that's enough. "Run! RUN for it!" one of them cries, and suddenly that's exactly what they do._

_And... they're gone. And here I am - with this girl, who's a little dirty now and a little bruised, and she's smiling at me. She offers a hand up. _

_"You okay? My name is - "_

"Kaido. We're home." 

I startle awake.

"Nuh?"

Touga smiles. "I can carry you upstairs if you need it, but it might look a little funny."

AUGH. "No! I mean, no THANK you, I can do it MYSE-" I somehow trip on the lip of the car door and stumble. "...self."

Touga's lips quirk. The dean is busy with something in the front seat and theoretically didn't see; at least neither of them are laughing. 

"Goodnight," I mutter, not thanking them for anything or telling them anything else, and hurry back to my room. They both watch me go, in silence. Oh, gods... I think they know that I know. 

I've never been so scared. 

Utena....

Dreaming about my experiences in fifth grade makes me think of you so strongly. How can I keep going without you as my strength, Utena? I know you said you gave me strength of my own, I KNOW you said you did that... and at the time, it felt like you did...

But I miss you. And I need you so much right now. And right now, I'd give anything to know where you were.

I get undressed and go to bed in my empty room, and I when I fall asleep the darkness of my mind is so like my room that I don't notice it happen.


End file.
